How to Behave: New Rules for Highly Evolved Humans

07.15.09

Wait Before Revealing TV Spoilers If Your Call Drops, Call Back Don't Google-Stalk Before a First Date Ask a Basterd: Am I a Jerk if I Dump Our Sucky Rock Band Bassist?		Don't Blog or Tweet Anything With More Than Half a Million Hits Delete Unwanted Posts From Your Facebook Wall Meet Online Friends in the Real World Ask a Basterd: Should I Ask My World Of Warcraft Wife if She's Really a Dude?
Texting in the Company of Others Is OK If You Can't Buy It Online, Feel Free to BitTorrent Never Broadcast Your Relationship Status Don't Lie With Your Facebook Photo		Seek Out Your Coworkers on Facebook Leave Your Wi-Fi Open Know What Makes a Good Viral Video Ask a Basterd: Is It OK to Look at Porn at Work?
Balance Your Media Diet Remember, Online Conversations Are Not All About You Use a Plausible Excuse When You Call In Sick Ask a Basterd: Can I Post My Wife's Butt on Twitter Without Asking?		Be Mindful of Your Personal Space There's No Such Thing as Too Many Friends You Can Reinvent Yourself Online Ask a Basterd: If I Exaggerate My Salary on Online Dating Profile, Should I Fess Up?
Friend Your Boss But Not Your Boss's Boss Ignore Your Ex on Facebook Ditch the Headset Choose the Right Ringtone Ask a Basterd: Can I Talk on the Phone While Taking a Whiz?		Don't Hesitate to Haggle on Craigslist Don't Work All the Time — You'll Live to Regret It Never Unfollow Someone Just Because They Unfollowed You Holsters: A Style Guide Ask a Basterd: Can I Answer My Cell at a Movie if It Seems Urgent?

Rule Torrent:

Never post a picture of yourself shirtless in your dating profile (men only).  >>>

When returning a Zipcar, turn off the radio.  >>>

Hide your porn downloads in a folder named March Madness '03.  >>>

Create a Facebook account for your grandmother—but don't create one for your dog.  >>>

CC'ing your boss after hours does not impress him.  >>>

Don't send out a follow-up email apologizing for a typo in a previous email.  >>>

For marital peace, keep separate Netflix queues.  >>>

Tidy your room before recording a vlog.  >>>

Rotate your photos before you upload them.  >>>

Don't quote Monty Python and the Holy Grail at a funeral. Stick to Life of Brian.  >>>

Acceptable: WTF?, LMAO. Unacceptable: effing, A-hole, byatch.  >>>

Never end an email with "take it sleazy."  >>>

Tag Flickr photos freely—there's no such thing as too many tags.  >>>

Turn off "Sent from my iPhone" email signatures.  >>>

Back up your hard drive. Right now.  >>>

Invite friends to new Facebook apps as often as you like.  >>>

Eat at your friend's restaurant—or read his book or listen to her music—before you post a review.  >>>

Things that are OK to do in an elevator: Stand there; have sex with Steven Tyler (ladies only). >>>

Keep music mixes for friends to 60 minutes or less.  >>>

Ask for free tech support only from immediate family or significant others.  >>>

Photoshop your pictures as much as you want, but remember: Your real friends know what you look like.  >>>

Never read the manual first.  >>>

Avoid looking at other people's screens.  >>>

Don't waterboard terror suspects.  >>>

Nobody cares how good your uncompressed audio files are.  >>>

List your high school on Facebook, not on LinkedIn.  >>>

Upload videos, don't email them.  >>>

Never go dirty Larping.  >>>

Hide your speaker wires.  >>>

FWIW, don't use chat slang if you don't know what it means.  >>>

Free T-shirts are for the gym and sleeping—not work.  >>>

Cartoon profile pics went out with rickrolling.  >>>

Give credit when repeating tweets and blog posts.  >>>

Need an insult to use on Xbox Live? Try "boogergina."  >>>

Don't solder on the couch.  >>>

Fleece and company logos don't mix.  >>>

It's OK to make fun of furries only if ... oh, never mind. It's always OK to make fun of furries. >>>

Kill your zombie brother. He's not your brother. He's a zombie.  >>>